Christmas Past, onto the Future

Christmas day is nearly over... I just got back from a dinner at my sister's in-laws house. Despite my sis and her hubby being out of town, I went there to have a nice dinner... I was beginning to regret going at first, I was not in too much of a talkative mood that evening. I guess it was a combination of being tired (my dogs had an overwhelming desire to walk all over me in the morning to wake me up. I guess they needed to go out [or maybe it was their ruse to get fed earlier]) and/or not knowing what to say. But the as the evening went on, I began to open up a bit more... but still not where I would want to be. If I gave myself a score on how social I was I would put me at 55 out of 100. I anticipated I would be a bit more quiet than I would wish to be... just trying to figure out how I can get myself where I want to be... here is my thoughts.
The in-laws (even though they are not technically my in-laws) are very successful and highly respected people. They have political connections, they live in an amazing house and are well-liked. They are also fun and interesting people who do not come across as intimidating. The dad-in-law, is fun to listen to and has so many stories to share. Very giving people as well... they would always think of me when they don't use their season tickets to the Maryland Sporting events... they took me and my family to the Football Silent Auction and Gala a couple years ago, they donated generously to a fundraiser I was working on for the YMCA and the list goes on. Due to all of this, maybe I feel that I respect them so much that I am afraid to make a fool of myself and tend to tense up as opposed to loosen up to be comfortable. After all, you cannot make foolish comments if you are not saying anything. I guess that is part of my fear of rejection, I think too much (I know it is a terrible thing to do, but it is "easier said than done" to stop thinking too much); let alone joke around.
I very much like to make people laugh and to make good impression on people with meaningful insights, conversations and ideas. It makes me feel important (even though others may think I am important to them nevertheless). Saying that, if I can turn my over-thinking off and not worry about looking like the goober I am, I think I would be better off. But how do I do that?? My attempt to understand my on-understandable mind, is this: I was brought up caring about my image (just as I should care for others), brought up being well-mannered and doing the right things, not doing stupid things. My image is important to me... I want to be known as an intelligent, attractive, caring individual who makes a difference in other people's lives. My great obstacle, I have this notion that others see me as a "charity case" hearing impaired individual who cannot do things on my own. Because of this notion, I need to dispel any stereotypes people may have of a hearing impaired individual... remove that stigma that I cannot do things for myself and cannot be successful as someone who does not have the same limitations. Hence my urge to be a well-rounded person to try new things and be knowledgeable in so many bands of the spectrum. I know I worry too much. I know that my logic of thinking is not the best when it comes to my own self-image (hard on myself, but not on others). But how do I do it?

I can go on and on... I have a lot of different avenues to venture down, but I need to learn to take things one day at a time and make the most of everything. Hopefully, my blog will help me get an insight to understanding my mind. And to be at better peace with myself. But that would be another time...

Ravens have beat the Vikings... they are looking good now. Too bad it is too late to make it into the playoffs. If only they got their act together earlier in the season. At least the Redskins, have that options... I must admit, I am loyal to both the skins and the Ravens... what can I say, I tend to be a home town sports fan.